Notes and Disclaimers at end
The Rat's Desire
I looked up from where I was working at my computer. He was standing in the doorway in just a tight pair of running shorts that did nothing to conceal his erection. My mouth went dry as all the blood left my brain for points south. I looked at the man I love having no doubts as to what he wanted.
I was ten the first time a man fucked me. My mother had died when I was eight, all love and protection dying with her. To my father, I was just an annoyance that he disposed of to the highest bidder when I was ten. I had been taught well in giving satisfaction, taught to come on demand. The one thing they couldn't teach me was to receive true satisfaction for me.
When I was sixteen and my body began filling out, my regular clientele had diminished. Even the fact that I was kept shaved didn't hide the fact that I was no longer a little boy. That was when my education in other areas began.
As my lover walked toward me, I remembered the first time I saw him. Actually I heard him first. That deep voice washed over me, and something inside clicked. Then I saw the body that went with that voice. I would say it was love at first sight, but I don't believe in that. I do believe in recognition. In lifetimes spent together.
I had found him again.
I was supposed to seduce Mulder. He wasn't interested. It was a relief to report that back to them. Mulder was pretty, but I had seen Walter Skinner. He was what I wanted. What I craved.
It took me three weeks to get into his bed. I had been there as often as possible since then.
I had used the skills that the FBI had taught me as well as the ones I had learned from my owners. I did my research into his habits. Found out where he lived, when he used the in-house gym, even broke into his house. The B & E resulted in some interesting reading. A letter from his wife saying she wasn't coming home, that maybe he should go fuck that agent Mulder he talked about so much.
I admit that gave me mixed feelings. Worry that he might want Mulder, but hope for his being open to my seduction.
I started showing up at the gym when I knew he would be there. I made sure I wore spandex shorts with nothing underneath so my assets would be noticeable. I knew my body was good, knew that people thought I was attractive. So I began my dance of seduction for Walter Skinner.
He would be working out with weights, those muscles bulging so enticingly. I had to keep my focus elsewhere to avoid getting hard. I would take a position on the mat where he couldn't possibly miss seeing me. Then I would do the yoga exercises that would present my ass to its best advantage, should he look my way. I sneaked occasional peeks at the mirror, to see if he was paying any attention.
By the third Friday night he was paying attention.
We were the last ones in the gym -- not many people bothered to hang around on a Friday night. I could hear the soft sounds of the weights as he changed them. In the mirror, I caught his reflection as his body moved through its routine. I moved as slowly and sensuously as possible. More than once I caught his eyes watching me as I moved.
I heard the weights being replaced and continued my exercises as I saw him start toward the showers. I gave him a couple of minutes then followed him. I stripped, moving to a showerhead three over from where he was. Perfectly acceptable shower room etiquette.
I did do something I normally would not have done, I made sure I was turned so he could see my cock as I soaped it and my balls. Turning my back to him, I *accidentally* dropped my soap. Never hurts to give them a nice view of a tight ass. I heard a slight hissing sound from behind me but pretended I didn't.
The next time I turned toward him, it was to find that he was standing with his head back under the spray as he soaped his own cock. Having been a rent boy for six years, I had seen all shapes and sizes. Walter has a nice cock. It's well formed, long, lays heavy against his thigh. My mouth watered at the thought of having it in me.
I rinsed, turned off the shower, and headed to the locker room. I had pulled on just my boxers, was drying my hair, when he came into the room, damp towel wrapped around his hips. I finished dressing, was on my way out when he spoke to me.
"Agent Krycek, do you have plans for this evening?"
"No, Sir. I was just going to grab some dinner and go home."
"Well, why don't you join me for dinner. I know a great place with Russian food where the vodka comes straight from the freezer, and is smooth as silk."
I smiled at him as my mind did somersaults.
"Sounds great. With a name like Krycek, you probably guessed that vodka is my favorite drink."
"Good. Give me a couple of minutes. Do you want to follow me or ride with me?"
"I don't have a car. I live near here, and since the motor pool supplies cars for work, I haven't seen the need for one."
"The restaurant is near my place. Tell you what. Since it's Friday, and I'm in the mood to tie one on, why don't we go by your place, you can pick up a change of clothes and crash in my guest room for the night."
"Are you planning on driving after you drink, or am I designated driver?"
"No, we can both drink. We'll park at my place and walk over. It's only a couple of blocks. Close enough to crawl home if we need to."
He smiled as he said this and I knew why he didn't smile during work hours. That smile would have caused a break down in office discipline.
Dinner was all he had said it would be. The food almost as good as my memories of my mother's. We shared a bottle of vodka and, while not drunk we both had a nice buzz. He insisted on paying for dinner, leaving a generous tip in cash for the prick waiter that had flirted with him all evening.
Back at his place, we entered through the garage to grab my bag. He opened the door and let me enter ahead of him. Once inside, his arms wrapped around me, pulling me back against his chest. One big hand moved down to cup me, bringing me erect, as the other loosened my tie and worked on the buttons of my shirt. A warm mouth settled over the pulse point in my throat and sucked hard. I'd have a nice mark there for days to remind me. After what felt like eternity, he raised his head slightly to whisper in my ear, one hand moving to cup my ass.
"Alex, you've been wiggling this thing at me for three weeks now. Seems that you have a choice to make. You can call a cab to go home. Or, you can go upstairs, use one of the enema kits that are under the sink and find out how it feels to have my cock up your ass. Personally, I have the impression that the second option is what you have been trying to accomplish with your displays at the gym. I could be wrong. If so, I apologize."
"I'm going to let go of you now. The phone is on the desk, the bathroom is through the master bedroom on the left at the top of the stairs."
He squeezed me front and back one more time, while he sucked at my neck. His hands dropped and he stepped back. I walked away from him on shaky legs and headed up the stairs. I found the bathroom and stripped quickly.
Considering all the years that enemas had been an almost daily part of life, you'd think I would be used to them. Truth is I hate them, but I didn't want to do anything that might turn him off. He wanted me clean which made me wonder just what he intended to do to me other than the stated "cock up your ass".
When I came out of the bathroom he had turned the bed down. There were candles burning on the dresser and nightstands. He had his back to me as he pulled lube and condoms out of the nightstand drawer. His broad shoulders and tight ass looked indecently inviting. I couldn't resist reaching out to touch him. The muscles in his back moved deliciously as he straightened, turning toward me.
I was pulled in close and his mouth descended on mine in a slow sweet kiss. I would have just melted at his feet if his arms hadn't been holding me up.
"Alex, breathe. I want you conscious, but I warn you after watching you wiggle that ass for three weeks, I might just start without you."
His voice was light and teasing and that smile again, god! that smile alone would be worth giving him anything he wanted. Pulling in a deep breath, I smiled back at him.
"I just hope you'll make sure I'm conscious when you come. I wouldn't want to miss that."
Which got me a laugh that was like music in my ears. I'm not sure how but we were on the bed with me half covered by his strong body. His mouth was sucking at my skin as his hands moved over me. Later, I would find he had marked me on throat, chest, belly, and even on my ass. But then I just moaned and writhed like a heroine in a romance novel being ravaged by the hero.
Hero. A proper term for him. He is that, to me. Would be to others if they knew the truth.
He played with me until he had me whimpering and begging. My cock had never been so hard, the pre-come beading the top as I arched up toward him. When his mouth closed over me, I screamed.
"Please, Walter, let me come!"
A soft chuckle floated up to me and then his beautiful voice.
"Whenever you want, Alex. I want you good and relaxed when I slide inside you."
I heard the squishy sound of lube being squirted from a tube. Then a finger probing my ass as he deep-throated me. That was all it took. My back arched so far off the bed I thought it would snap. Never before had I climaxed during sex with a man without it being ordered or directed by the client. Sure, I had come in my own hand over the years. But this was the first time I had come with a partner just for my pleasure. Not because I was playing some sick and twisted part for someone.
Walter had just given me a wonderful gift and he didn't even know it.
It may sound strange but I had not really touched him much during this. He had taken control and I was content, no make that happy to let him. He had moved back up to lie close to me, holding me while my breathing returned to normal. Then he pushed me on my back and straddled me. That's when I got my first look at an erect Walter Skinner.
"Cruise or Pershing?"
"Well that's a new one. I've been asked if I've had an implant, did I stand in the line twice, do I have a license for my weapon. It's a Cruise, of course. Don't worry, Alex. We'll take it nice and slow. You can take me. I'll make you forget everyone before me. You certainly looked at me in the shower you should've had an idea of what to expect."
"I thought you were a shower."
"What? What does that mean?"
"You know. Some men are showers, some are growers."
"I thought you were a shower. One of those guys that, what you see is what you get. You know, some men just get hard, it doesn't get any bigger. Then some men look small but it doubles or triples in size when it gets hard."
"Oh, I see. Don't be so nervous. I don't expect you to deep throat me. I'll give you all the time you need to work up to that. I'll go slow and easy when I put it in you, give your body time to adjust to me. Right now I want you to just take the head in your mouth. I want to watch you suck the head, see that pretty tongue run over the slit." His voice had deepened as he spoke, his eyes darkening with lust.
He moved up along my body as he spoke. His words went straight to my cock, which wanted to stand up again. As soon as he was close enough, I did as asked. I ran my tongue over the slit, tasting him for the first time. He smiled down and watched as I cleaned the pre-come off the head of that huge cock. When he leaned closer, I opened wide to take the head in my mouth.
I obeyed. His voice deepened.
Once more I obeyed. His hand caressed my cheek as his eyes watched avidly. He allowed this for a couple of minutes then he pulled back. He moved back beside me, reached for the lube on the nightstand, then started getting me ready for penetration. As his fingers worked inside me, loosing me up, he handed me the condom. I sheathed him with shaking hands.
He crooned low to me. "Easy, Alex. You can take me. I'll make it so good you'll never want to get out of my bed."
If anyone else had said that to me I would have laughed, internally at least. But not with him. I knew he was just stating the truth. I already didn't want to leave his bed.
He maneuvered me to the center of his big bed, then pushed a couple of pillows under my hips. I was glad he didn't turn me over. This way, I could watch his face as he took me. I needed to watch his face. I was afraid this would be a one-night stand so I wanted to store up all the memories I could.
He pressed into me slowly, as he had promised. He leaned down close, talking to me, gently.
Telling me how hot and tight I was.
How good it felt to be in me.
How he wanted me.
He bottomed out in me with a loud groan.
His mouth covered mine again, taking me to that place where my only awareness was of him. He started to move. Pulling out almost completely then sliding back in slowly. His tongue entering my mouth in a matching rhythm.
My cock decided it was time to get in on the act, hardening once again. I reached to stroke myself, and he smiled down at me.
"Ah, little Alex is paying attention again. Let go of that. I'll take care of it for you." His voice teasing as he pushed my hand away.
His hand wrapped around my cock as his thrust into me got harder and faster. He stroked me in a counter rhythm causing me to whimper with pleasure. It didn't take long for me to be on the edge of coming for a second time. I could hear this whining sound and was totally horrified by its need, that the need was mine.
"Come for me, my little Alex."
One more stroke was all it took and I was shooting into the air between us. I felt my ass clamp down on him. Looking at his face I saw a look of surprise as I felt him begin to pulse in me.
"Oh, Christ! Alex."
I smiled up at him happily as his climax ripped through his body. Even after I stopped shooting, I kept working my ass on him. Milking every last drop from him. He dropped down full length on me. I wrapped my arms around him, holding on tight rubbing his back as he remembered how to breathe. Placing soft kisses on his bare head.
When he slipped out of me, I moaned slightly.
"Did I hurt you, Alex?"
"No, Walter. My body doesn't want to let you leave." I answered hoarsely.
Leaning over, he kissed me softly. He went into the bathroom, and was soon back with a wet cloth. He cleaned me carefully, inspected *the scene of the crime*, then tossed the cloth back in the bathroom. He got back into the bed next to me, then pulled the covers up. I was pulled over to snuggle against him.
I felt his lips on my forehead as he whispered, "That was wonderful. Thank you."
I stayed the whole weekend. I was so sore Monday morning, I could barely walk. Mulder teased me about walking like an old man. I just smiled at him.
Walter's hand on my face brought me back to the present. He smiled that beautiful smile at me and reached to pull me out of the chair. I followed him obediently. In the time we had been together, I had never said the words. I felt them, wanted to say them. I was afraid. He had so much power over me. I didn't want to give him more.
Our time together was almost over. I knew my owners would be pulling me out soon. I hadn't told them about my relationship with Walter. That would be another weapon to use against him. If I had told them they would have let me stay until they could get pictures or tapes. I couldn't bear to have him ruined because of me.
He led me to the bedroom and stripped me efficiently. In no time, he had me moaning and whimpering under him. My body opened to him easily now and he slid into me roughly. I rocked against him whispering his name, clinging to him. I didn't realize I had said it until he went still against me. His head raised.
"What did you say?"
I said it out loud. Oh god! I said I love you. I know there was terror showing in my eyes.
"Alex, did you say you love me?"
I nodded. My voice was lost somewhere in my fear. He leaned down, his kiss possessive as never before. When he pulled back his eyes were very bright.
"Don't come, Alex. Can you do that for me? Can you wait until I say it's ok? If you obey me in this, I will reward you. I promise when I let you come, it will be in a way that you will never forget." His voice that hard implacable tone from work. He had never talked to me like that here.
I croaked out, "I'll try."
"You can hold on for me my little Alex. I know you can."
He rocked back on his heels pulling me with him so I was spreadeagled over his thighs. He latched on to the pulse point in my throat and surged up into me. It was hard, rough, and fast. He shouted my name as he came high inside me. I held on to him as his breathing slowed. I hadn't come. I was blue steel and weeping pre-come.
He eased out of me, kissing me slowly. Then he lowered me off his lap.
"Stand up a minute, Alex."
I did as asked and watched as he moved to sit on the side of the bed facing me. He reached in the nightstand drawer and pulled out another condom. Opening it, he rolled it down carefully over my erection. I gasped and he looked up into my eyes.
"I promised you a reward, my little Alex. How do you want me?"
Suddenly the room didn't have enough air.
He had told me that he had never bottomed. Never been penetrated by anything other than a tongue or a couple of fingers. He was going to let me fuck him.
I took several deep breaths to calm myself. I knew I wanted him on his back, so I could watch his face. Needed to see him, see what he would feel.
"On you back, Walter. Please."
He lay down in the center of the bed. Smiling, he pulled his legs up so I could prep him. I took my time using plenty of lube. I wanted him stretched as much as possible. I wanted no pain to interfere with his first time.
My first time, too. I had never topped.
"Alex, please. I'm ready. I want you inside me now."
I moved between his legs, pressing up against his hole carefully. His legs came up to wrap around me, pulling me into him with those powerful muscles. He grunted and I almost screamed.
"Walter, are you ok?"
"I'd be fine if you would fuck me. I want this, Alex."
His eyes were open and trusting. I let myself fall into them as I began to move, stroking into my lover's body. His hands moved over my chest as I rocked into him. He pulled at my nipples until they throbbed.
He had learned early that working on my nipples made me wild. He played with them so rough and often that I had complained once about my dress shirts rubbing on the sensitive nubs. He had laughed, proceeded to suck one into his mouth for more punishment. The next day I had come home to find a brightly wrapped package of silk undershirts. The card had read "To protect my precious toys from evil starched shirts".
I let my head rock back, closed my eyes and gave myself up to the pleasure of being inside the man I love. As my balls tightened, the pressure of my climax heading toward me like a freight train, I heard his voice.
"Look at me, Alex."
My eyes opened to see warmth that had never before been directed toward me. As I started to come inside him, he tightened down on me and smiled up at me.
"I love you, Alex."
I screamed his name as I came. That was the last thing I remembered. When I became aware again I was lying on his chest. His big hands were moving over my back, kisses being rained over my face, his come gluing us together.
Two days later, I was using a different name and mourning the love I would never have again.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He's gone. God! What a fool I'd been. I'd believed him when he said he loved me. I let him fuck me. I never did that for anyone before. I sure as fuck fell in love with him. I didn't believe he was gone, but I'd been to his place and it was empty.
I squirmed on an ass still sore from being fucked and reached for the bottle to pour another drink. I was well on my way to being totally shit faced. Suddenly I knew I had to change the sheets. His smell would still be on them. I'd burn the fucking things.
Staggering upstairs to the bedroom, I ripped the bedspread off. I grabbed the pillow he had slept on just last night and tore the case off it. Then I watched with a drunk's concentration as an envelope fell to the floor. Collapsing on the bed, I somehow managed to pick it up without falling on my face. My name was written on the outside in his neat handwriting. My first impulse was to rip it up but I had to know what it said. It had been written on stationary from my desk downstairs.
I know you are furious. Probably hurt. Probably feeling like a fool. I'm sorry.
I wish I could have stayed with you forever. No one has been so kind to me, or loved me, since my mother died.
I wish I could explain this to you. All I can say is they have owned me since I was ten. Death is the only way anyone gets away from them and I'm not ready to die.
I have done things in my past that I'm deeply ashamed of and I am not worthy of your love. It was only a matter of time before you realized that and threw me out. Even if that didn't happen, staying with you would have given them a weapon to use against you.
Please know this, I never lied to you while I was in this bed with you. I meant it when I said I love you. I always will.
Thank you for all the joy you gave me in the time we had together.
I reread it several times, trying to make it say something else. Trying to understand more than the words were saying.
Finally I reached down, picked up the pillowcase, and holding it to my face, breathed in his scent. Crawling to the center of the bed I fell asleep with his scent in my nose and his letter clutched in my hand.
The next time I saw him, he punched me in the gut while two thugs held me for him.
So much for love, huh?
Guess he got over me.
I had let all of my pain and fury take over as I hit him. My 'bosses' would be pleased when they heard I had inflicted damage on him. He wasn't playing along and they were angry. I hadn't found out yet why they hadn't just had him killed. I was glad they hadn't. I was making sure I kept track of him. If an order were sent out to kill him, I would have time to step in and protect him.
Yeah, I know I hit him. Silly as it sounds I did it because I was jealous. I don't think he knew that I was breaking in regularly. I would just sit and watch him sleep. Just being in the same room was a comfort to me. On the nights that I could tell he was drunk, I would even allow myself to slip into bed next to him. He sleeps heavy when he's drunk, so I knew I could get away with it.
Not all of his wet dreams were dreams.
One night he wasn't home when I broke in. I decided to wait. Knowing his habits well, I figured he would go straight to bed when he came in. He went straight to bed all right, but not alone. When I saw the rent boy he had brought home, I almost lost it. Black hair, green eyes, and my size. He was trying to replace me, the bastard! Plus he was fucking him in *our* bed!
God I was so insane with jealousy that I actually watched. How sick is that? Watching the man you love fuck someone else. I don't remember how I got out of there. I obsessed on it for days after. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see him riding that body. A much younger body, someone that he could have a life with.
See, it never occurred to me that the guy might see him as old or just have been looking to get laid. Walter's body and cock would be a turn on to most guys.
I was so in love with him, I couldn't imagine anyone not wanting him.
I looked over at the blonde, trying to figure out why she was coming on to a bald, middle-aged fool and thought what the hell, might as well try forgetting him with a woman. The boys I had been picking up hadn't helped.
You would think I could hate him after the beating he gave me.
How do you hate someone that consumes your dreams at night? How do you hate someone that gave you the greatest pleasure of your life? How do you hate someone that looked at you with pain as he hit you?
I had learned a lot about his past since he had left me. Not just the stuff Mulder had brought me. I had been a field agent; I know how to dig. I have sources, too.
The things I now knew might have made Mulder pause but I couldn't let that happen. Alex was in enough danger without Mulder adding to it. The folder of information on Alex was someplace safe. The more I dug, the more clues I found, the thicker the folder grew.
When I talked to his so-called father, I wanted to kill the man. He had sold his son. He had known what they wanted him for and he had sold him. The bastard didn't deserve to live. The only thing that saved him that day was the fact that he was riddled with cancer. I took satisfaction in seeing his pain.
Ain't karma a bitch?
I had just received a package of pictures to add to the file on Alex, when Mulder showed up with him. Mulder would be expecting anger from me. So I hit Alex. I wanted to hold him and keep him safe but we still had parts to play. He had no idea how much I knew or if I knew anything other than being betrayed. I gave a Mulder a show. Left Alex on the balcony until Mulder was gone.
I opened the door and saw the fear in his eyes as I walked over to him. He expected to be beaten. The look in his eyes told me he would accept any punishment I wanted to inflict on him.
He let me pull him to his feet, looked surprised when I unlocked the cuff on his wrist. I pulled him inside and pushed him toward the stairs.
"Go get clean, I'll be up in a few minutes."
"Inside, too?" He whispered.
"Yes, inside too."
He nodded without looking at me and started up the stairs. I knew he went up expecting to be used and hurt. I guess a part of me wanted him to think that. He had hurt me because he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. Part of me knew that there was a *daddy* aspect to our relationship. I was the strong one, the older one a substitute daddy. I knew now why he expected me to reject him.
And before the night was over I intended for him to know better.
Yeah, I know, no one gets over a parent's betrayal and six years of sexual battery just from one night of being told that it was going to be all right.
When I realized where Mulder was taking me, I resigned myself to accept whatever Walter would want to do to me. I was surprised when he only hit me once. It hurt all the more for the fact that once his hands had touched me with such care. I knew how gentle he could be. I wasn't surprised when he came back out after Mulder left. I was surprised that he uncuffed me and led me inside.
The pain when he told me to go get clean inside, too was worse than if he had beaten me to a bloody pulp. I didn't look at him, just went upstairs to do as I had been told. I never thought he would treat me like a whore. Hell! Why not? It's what they had made me. He had probably found that out.
I cried in the shower, knowing what I had lost.
I managed to get myself under control by the time I came out of the bathroom. No candles tonight. No seduction. We both knew I would give him his money's worth.
"Come here, Alex."
He was sitting naked, propped against the headboard of the bed. He spread his legs and I moved to kneel between them. His hands fastened on me and he turned me around so that I was sitting between his legs, my back against his chest. He pulled me back against him, wrapping those strong arms around me. He held me close, then, reaching up he pulled my face around and his mouth was on mine.
Why couldn't he just beat me and get it over with? The tenderness hurt! I moaned into his mouth as his tongue invaded me. His hands found my nipples and I arched up toward their caress. I could feel him hardening against my back. One hand left my nipples to stroke me erect. When his kiss ended, I couldn't be quiet any longer.
"Damn it, Walter! Just do what ever you are going to do and get it over with. Don't act like you are making love to me. I know you want to punish me. Just do it. Beat me and put me back on the balcony, but don't make me remember what I can never have again." I pleaded hoarsely.
By the time I had finished, I could barely get the words out through my throat. Hell! I could barely breath, I hurt so much.
God, I was so tired of running, of doing things to stay alive that I knew he could never forgive, of sleeping alone.
His hands moved gently over me, soothing me.
"Shh, my little Alex. It's going to be ok. I'm not sure how but we'll find a way."
He turned me again and kissed me gently. I clung to him, wanting to believe his words, wanting to loose myself in him. I cried out as he entered me. It had been so long that I felt like a virgin again. No one had touched me since our last time together. We came together screaming each other's names. I shook in the aftermath of my climax and he rocked me until the tremors stopped.
Once the shaking had stopped, I held him for the joy of having him there. I had things to discuss with him but I wanted a little time of quiet for him first. I looked at the clock and decided we needed to talk. It was getting late and I wanted us to have the option of making love again before he had to leave me.
"Alex, we need to talk about some things. I've been doing some research. Looking into your past. Once I stopped being furious with you, your letter made me think. The fact that Spender didn't try to blackmail me for being involved with you told me that you hadn't told him about us. I had a lot of time to think lying here alone at night."
"You weren't always alone."
I heard the bitterness in his voice as he pulled out of my arms and sat on the side of the bed with his back to me.
"She was never here, Alex."
"I'm not talking about the hooker. I'm talking about that boy who looks so much like me. A younger, cleaner version. Where is he tonight?"
"How do you know about him?"
"I was here one night when you brought him home. I was in this room while you fucked him. How's he gonna feel if he finds out you fucked me tonight?"
"He won't find out."
"How can you be so sure he won't?"
I could see his hands fisted at his sides. His body trembled with his fury or was it pain? I had to know.
Reaching out, I pulled him back across my body so I could see his face. My breath caught at the raw pain and anger I saw there. If there were any lingering doubts about his feelings for me, they vanished then.
"You must have left before the party was over, Alex. He didn't like being called by your name. He was just a guy I picked up at a bar. He wasn't meant as a replacement for you, he was someone I could pretend was you for a little while. I'll go ahead and tell you now he wasn't the only one. I wanted to forget being such a fool that I had told you I loved you, that I had let you fuck me. It took that girl's death to make me realize that maybe you meant what you said. That I needed to find the truth."
As I talked, his face showed his emotions. From disbelief, to sorrow, to hope. I shifted us again so he was sitting between my legs. I grabbed the large envelope that I had left on the nightstand, gave it to him and then wrapped my arms around his waist to hold him there as he opened it.
"Those came today. I have a lot more stuff on your past but it's in a safety deposit box. I've been gathering everything I could find about you. The guy that got these for me said they were from the *catalog*. You know most children have school pictures, yearbooks. I guess you could say he found me your version. There was videotape too. The little bit of it I watched made me puke."
He was stiff in my arms as he looked at the pictures. There was at least one for each of the years he had been used as a rent boy. In all he had been posed naked. In most he was wearing chains or collars. Some were shot from the rear with him looking over his shoulder at the camera. Those were some of the worse because you could see that he had been whipped and there was always a butt plug visible between his cheeks. The last one showed him in a cock harness with screw-on type nipple clamps. In this one I could see the man emerging. Guess maybe the customers could, too. The man had said that Alex didn't *earn* much that last year.
His voice was ragged, "What was on the tape?"
"Two men who looked like twins taking turns with a crying little boy who shouldn't even have known what a hard cock looked like. Do you remember their names? I'd like to pay them a visit."
"It's too late for that. What else do you know?" His voice was flat and so low I had to lean forward to hear him.
"I know your mother loved you. That she died when you were eight. That you *father* sold you, knowing why they wanted you. I'd have killed him but he's dying of cancer and I thought that a more fitting punishment. I haven't found out how you ended up with Spender yet. Maybe you will tell me, save me some time."
"Does it matter? They own me."
"Ok, we'll skip that for now. Tell me why you didn't tell me about this and let me try to help."
"If you had tried to help me, you would have lost everything. I'm not worth it. I'm a whore. You deserve better. Beside, I figured if you knew the truth, you would just kick me out."
He tried to pull away from me but I tightened my grip on him and wrapped my legs around his.
"You aren't going anywhere, Alex. We have hours before Mulder will be back. You told me you love me. Have you stopped? Because if you haven't, then you need to talk to me. You need to listen to what I have to say."
I ran my hands over his chest finding his nipples, rubbing at them the way I knew he liked. I nuzzled at his throat until the two things combined made his body melt back against me. When his low whisper came, I was surprised at the longing and pain in it.
"After seeing those pictures and that tape, how can you bear to touch me. You know what I am now. What I did. I don't even remember how many men there were. I was sent to weekend parties and passed around like a fucking party favor. I'd get so tired I'd fall asleep with one man in me and wake up to a different one. God knows how many used me while I slept. Please, just put me back outside and forget me as much as you can." His voice was rough. It occurred to me that he was still expecting me to reject him.
"I tried to forget you. It didn't work. You're part of my soul, Alex. I can't forget my own soul."
I caught his head in my hands, turning him toward me. He stared at me, waiting for me to pass judgement.
"Alex, you were a little boy, forced to do things no little boy should ever be forced to do. Other than tonight, when was the last time you had sex with someone?"
"That last time with you."
"Do you love me, Alex?" I waited, even though I was ninety-nine and forty-four one hundredths percent sure I knew the answer.
"Yes." The admission sounded like it was torn from his soul.
"Good then let's figure out how to get you free, because I love you and I'm damn tired of sleeping alone. Before you say anything, I did *sleep* alone except for the hooker. I don't think that should count because I was drugged."
The pictures went flying to the floor as he twisted in my arms, kissing me with the fire I remembered so well. I forgot all about talking.
The first time he took the lead. He was manic. Kissing, biting, sucking. I let him push and pull me so he could reach all the parts he seemed so intent to feed on. He remembered the ways I liked him to suck me and concentrated on driving me crazy. I grabbed two of the small posts of the headboard to keep myself from interfering.
All I wanted was to grab his head and fuck his mouth until I shot down his throat. When he moved down to my balls, I calmed a little but I still held on to the bed. He pushed my legs up and his tongue circled my asshole. I moaned, tightening my grip on the bed. When he covered the hole with his mouth and sucked hard, I pulled the post in my right hand loose.
When Alex heard the wood splinter, the raised his head and gave me a grin that was a lethal combination of angel and devil. I had never seen his eyes look so green.
"Jesus, Alex. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" I panted as I tried to get some air back in my lungs.
"I want to fuck you, Walter." The grin was still there but the voice gave away his fear.
"I thought you'd never ask."
I gave him my best smile, knowing that my own voice was giving something away. That one time he had fucked -- no, made love -- to me I had spent the next day smiling every time I had shifted in my chair. I had been delightfully sore from being ridden by him. I had never expected to be on the receiving end; after all, I'm a macho ex-marine, right? I couldn't believe that I had gotten hard again that fast, or that I had come just from his cock rubbing over my prostrate and seeing the joy on his face as he had come inside me.
The angel in his face disappeared and the devil took over. That was fine with me. Tonight, I wanted to give him whatever it took to show my love for him.
He retrieved the lube and a condom from the drawer. His hands shook as he lubed and stretched me. When the shaking made it difficult for him to open the package, I took it from him. After I rolled it down over him, I coated it with lube. Then I pulled my legs up high, giving him room to enter me.
He was pushing into to me when I opened my big mouth and inserted my foot up to the knee.
"Do it, boy."
His face turned red and he was up and off the bed before I could move. My brain kicked in as he was pulling his jeans up over his hips. Under other circumstances the look on his face when he started to button them and looked down, seeing the lube-slick condom still on his cock, would have at least made me smile. There was nothing funny about this. He ripped the condom off and threw it on the bed. The gesture gave me back the power of speech.
"Alex, wait. Please." I was pleading and didn't care if that made me seem weak.
His voice was cold as death, "I'm not a fucking *boy* you bastard! If you want a *boy* go find one."
I got off the bed and moved over to him, intending to try and sooth him. He swung at me and I took him down, using my weight to hold him down until he went still under me.
"God! Alex, I'm sorry. That's what they called you, isn't it? I know you aren't a boy. I don't want a boy. I want you, Alex."
"Get the fuck off me. Now!" His breathing was harsh but he sounded calmer, still angry, but like he might listen.
I rolled off him and sat up against the side of the bed. He lay still on the floor for another minute then rolled away from me, sitting up with his back to the dresser. His jaw was clenched, his eyes dilated, fists balled up against his thighs, and his pants only partly buttoned with his still erect cock poking up out of the fly.
I ached with my love and need for him. He was so angry but so beautiful. Once again my brain forgot to filter my thoughts.
"You are so beautiful. Why on earth would you even look at an old fart like me, much less want to make love to him? Why would you let yourself love a big stupid lug like me?" My iron control would have been a hindrance now. I let everything I was feeling loose. All the pain of the time without him in my voice and my eyes.
His pain was in his eyes as he answered my questions with his own.
"Why would you let yourself love a whore?"
"I don't love a whore. I love Alex Krycek. A man who was sexually and physically abused as a child. Moreover, I don't like anyone calling my lover names, not even said lover. I will thank you to never refer to yourself as a whore, or any variant of that, ever again." My AD voice was evident even to me.
He sat quietly, starring into my eyes, searching for the truth. His hand moved down to undo the buttons on his pants releasing the pressure on his still hard cock. I could see the angry red marks the buttons had made on his flesh. I wanted to rub my hands along there and sooth the hurt but I kept still. I waited for him to respond to what I had told him.
He leaned his head back against the dresser, closing his eyes and began to talk in a low voice filled with pain and longing.
"Children tend to take blame for a lot of things. I thought it was my fault that my mother died. My *father* told me that I was a burden, so I just knew it had to be my fault. That's why my father didn't love me, because I had caused my mother's death. The trainer they gave me to was very experienced at mind fucking little boys. He offered me love but only if I did a good job at pleasing the clients. He was the first man to fuck me and he called me boy in the same tone you used."
"Oh god, Alex I'm so sorry. I'll never call you that again."
"I'm not stupid, you know. You don't make it through FBI training unless you can use your brain. I know that my father lied to me. I know that my trainer used my emotions and needs against me. I know all these things in my head but my gut doesn't."
He raised his head to meet my eyes again, voice sad, the longing still there.
"I also know there is an element of *daddy* in what I feel for you. A need, not just for love but protection, acceptance. That's probably why I feel so warm when you call me 'my little Alex'. That possessive pronoun makes me feel I belong to you. I lost that feeling of belonging to someone at eight and didn't get it back until you. I left you because I would rather have you hate me for what I am than for what I cost you."
"My little Alex, please let me hold you." I put all my longing for him in my voice and my eyes and waited for his decision.
He stood up slowly and pushed off his jeans. He walked over to me and held out his hand. I grasped it in mine and let him pull me up. His arms slipped around me as his face burrowed into his favorite spot between my neck and shoulder. I held on tight. We still had a lot to work out but, for this little time, we both just held on.
He was still rock hard between us. I was only a little surprised when he pushed me back onto the bed. His eyes asked permission as he held up a new condom. I took it from him, smiling as I smoothed it down over him and coated it with lube.
This time, when he moved between my legs, I made sure that I wrapped them around him. As he entered me, I watched his eyes turn a darker green. I wanted this, ...no, I needed this. He tried to go slowly but his need wouldn't let him. It was slightly painful but that was fine, just meant that I'd have a sore ass tomorrow to remind me he had been there. I got hard again as he continued to pump into me. His angle was putting just the right amount of pressure on my prostate.
"Alex, please, do it harder. It feels so fucking good."
He smiled down at me and did as asked. The bed was rocking under the force of his body slamming against mine. His hand moved to stroke my cock. It didn't take much. The hand on me combined with the stroking his cock was doing to my prostate pushed me over. I screamed, I wasn't sure what until later when he told me. My ass locking down on him pushed him over the edge. I could feel him throbbing as he came. When he tried to roll to the side I pulled him down to lie on top of me. I wanted to keep the connection with him as long as I could.
We lay together for a little while then took a long shower. Bathing each other, touching each other, gentle and slow. The rest of the night was spent in arranging for ways to contact each other. We arranged for codes to let the other know if we were being watched or listened to. Codes to use in email just to say "I'm ok. I love you".
In the early morning, I made breakfast and we ate together, one handed because we needed to touch. He walked me to the door to kiss me goodbye.
"I love you, Alex. Do whatever's necessary to stay alive for me. Do you understand? Because if you don't, I'll follow you to hell and the devil will look kind compared to what I'll do to you." The last growled in my best AD voice.
He laughed softly as he clung to me. "Yeah, Walter. I understand. Heaven help the devil if you have to come after me. Thank you for loving me. I love you too. I'd better get out on the balcony before Mulder shows up."
He kissed me long, deep, and sweet. We clung to each other for another minute. As I turned to the door, I looked back at him with a shit-eating grim.
"Alex, I forgot to say thanks."
"For making my ass so pleasantly sore. Every time I have to move in my chair today, I'll think about last night and the look in your eyes as you rode your lover's ass. Of course I probably won't get much done, what with day dreaming and jerking off in my bathroom."
I wish I'd had a camera. His face turned a delightful shade of red as his mouth dropped open.
"Walter Sergei Skinner! I can't believe you said that."
"Oh! You can believe it, lover."
I pulled him close for another kiss then slipped out the door.
The next time I saw him he killed me.
Well, I had told him to do whatever he had to do to stay alive.
I hadn't told him about my arm. I was afraid he wouldn't want me anymore. He had called me beautiful so many times. I'm not beautiful anymore. I wouldn't be as agile in bed anymore. Some of the things that had been easy before were impossible now. I could have seen him so many times when I was in D.C. but I didn't. I knew I was putting off seeing him to delay the rejection I was sure would be in his face.
I found out about the nanocytes too late to try and substitute something harmless. My only course after that was to convince them that I should have the control. I was being shadowed so I had to make it look good. As soon as the prick was certain Walter was dead, he took off and I brought Walter back. That was one of the worse times of my life. I was so afraid it had been too long and it wouldn't work.
The little interlude in his car was for the benefit of the bug there. I was trying to cover my ass. I was supposed to leave him dead. We had planned specific times of day to check for email. My message to him that day had been to let him know the part he had to play. I had also made arrangements to meet him that weekend at a cabin in the mountains that we had been to a couple of times.
I was in his car when he got in and our drama soon played out. He missed his calling, should have been an actor. I thought I played my part rather well, too.
Spender didn't buy it.
I was leaving to meet Walter when they came for me. I figured it'd be a short beating to remind me not to deviate from plans, then they would dump me near my hovel. With any luck, I'd just be a little late getting to the cabin.
I never got there.
Later I would find out that Walter waited for me for almost twenty-four hours before he came back to town and started trying to find me.
The goons that Spender had work me over knew their stuff. By that I mean they knew how to inflict a lot of pain with no lethal damage. He waited until they had softened me up to start asking why. I lied of course. My story had been rehearsed. The palm pilot had already been destroyed. Even if they killed me, they wouldn't have it to use on him.
I stuck to my story even when I heard the bone in my arm snap. I kept it together when he burned me.
"Well, Alex, maybe you are telling me the truth. Gentlemen, did you know that our little Alex here was the number one earner for four of the six years he entertained at the lounge in New York. He was also the first one requested for house parties. Those weekends netted us a thousand dollars per guest. I never personally indulged but was told by others that Alex was quite accomplished. Why don't you gentlemen see if he still has those skills that earned so much money?"
I'm sure he was disappointed that I didn't scream and beg. I survived it at ten, I could survive it now. I would do whatever I needed to survive.
"How far can we take it?"
"Don't kill him. I plan on offering that honor to someone else."
They were rough like I knew they would be. Neither of them was more than average sized so they only tore me a little. The pain was mostly in knowing that Walter would find out. I was barely aware when Spender came back. I heard him telling them where and when to drop me off.
I had just had another bad day. For the last three days I had tried every form of contact we had set up. I had checked all the holes I knew he used when he was in D.C. and still no luck. My head was pounding, my heart heavy, I was close to doing something stupid just so I could know the truth.
I was about to get into my car when the van pulled up behind it. The door was opened and a voice called out.
"Mr. Skinner, we have a gift for you from a mutual friend. Hope you enjoy him as much as we did. He was very entertaining until he passed out. He may not be a boy any longer but he still has a pretty good ass. You should check it out."
I watched in horror as his nude body appeared in the door of the van and he was thrown out like a rag doll. Something heavy was tossed out beside him as the van sped away. I ran and crouched down next to him, checking for a pulse. Was relieved when I found it. Running back, I opened the trunk of my car to get the emergency blanket I kept there. As I wrapped it around him, the one eye that wasn't swollen shut tried to focus on me.
"Really you?" He croaked through his swollen and split lips.
"Yes, Alex. It's me. It's Walter. I've got you. You're safe now. I'm going to get us some help. I just have to get you in my car. Do you think you can get up with my help?"
My voice was shaking with a mixture of rage and fear.
"... not sure...Walter...broke my arm! Spender.... didn't believe....sorry." His voice was a low hiss of fear and anguish.
"Hush. That doesn't matter now. You're safe. I'll take care of you."
His head rolled loosely and I knew he was out. I left him long enough to open the car door and, as I rushed back, I kicked the thing they had thrown out. And that's when I realized it was prosthetic.
I picked it up stared at it, then tossed it in the car. Going back to him, I lifted him and realized that he was laying on what was left of his arm. Looking down at it, I realized that Spender and his goons hadn't done this. The stump was healed although it had fresh burn marks on it.
I manhandled him into my car a million questions in my mind. I had to get him help but knew I couldn't take him to a hospital. That left me only one place to take him. I pulled out my cell phone and punched in a number of a doctor friend. I explained that I needed help for someone I couldn't take to a hospital. He told me he would call security at his building, tell them to have a gurney ready, and to let me into his office.
The security guard helped me get Alex onto the gurney and inside. He even offered to move my car while I waited for the elevator to come. James came running into the building just as I was moving the gurney into the elevator. He caught my keys as the security guard pitched them our way then the doors closed and we were on our way up to his offices.
"Ok, Walter, who is he and what happened?"
"Do you need his name to treat him? He's been beaten and raped. Before he passed out, he told me his arm was broken. I tried not to move him anymore that I had to. The people who did this to him might find him at a hospital and finish the job. I won't let that happen."
James looked at me, hearing the determination in my voice. Seeing something in my eyes he had never seen before. Well, I'd talk to him about that later. Right now, his patient was his only priority. The elevator stopped and we moved Alex quickly down the hall to James's office. We moved him as gently as possible from the gurney to an exam table.
James didn't need a x-ray to tell him the arm was broken, only to determine how badly it was broken. He had me scrub and glove up to assist him with the badly injured man. He saw my face tighten down more as each new bruise, burn, or cut was exposed.
"Fuck, Walter this isn't a just rape and beating. This man has been tortured. Where did you find him?"
"I didn't find him. I wish I had. I would have killed the bastards who did this to him. They threw him out of the back of a van at my feet."
We turned at the sound of a low moan from the table. When James reached out to place his hand on Alex's arm, he jerked.
"No more, haven't you had enough of me?" He croaked in a voice filled with pain.
"Alex, it's ok. I'm here. This is James. He's a doctor. You're safe now." I leaned down close on the side with the open eye, so he could see me, making my voice as reassuring as I could.
"Oh god, Walter, I'm so sorry. They raped me and I couldn't stop them."
His voice trembled with his fear of rejection. I knew James was watching and listening. His judgement of me was far less important than reassuring my lover that he was still loved.
"Hush, my little Alex. I know you would never willingly give yourself to someone else. I'm here. I'll take care of you. I love you." I stroked his face softly, letting him feel the truth of my words.
I raised my eyes to James, he nodded and smiled. There was no rejection in his face.
"Alex, I'm going to give you something for the pain. I can't put you under because you may have a concussion. We're going to get your arm set and clean up the other injuries. Walter is going to be here with you the whole time. Matter of fact he is going to help me."
He swabbed Alex's arm and injected him. Alex lay quiet once he knew he was safe. Whenever James didn't need me to help, I caressed Alex's face, telling him over and over that he was safe, that I had him now. Even with the pain medication, he moaned at some of the things that James had to do.
Finally, we had all the injuries treated. James pulled me into the other room, first telling Alex that he needed to talk to me and that he would send me back in just a minute.
"Who the fuck butchered his arm like that? God, Walter, what is going on here?"
"I have no idea what happened to his arm. The last time I saw him he still had it. As for the other stuff, that's a long story. I promise I'll tell it to you but I need to know that he'll be all right."
"He'll survive. He's going to need a lot of help for awhile. The guys who raped him used condoms, there was no semen, so at least that's something you won't need to worry about. I assume from what you said to him that this is a monogamous relationship. They didn't tear him up much. If memory serves being with you probably helped him with that. The break was clean, so that's also a blessing. It should heal quickly. Some of the burns will leave permanent scars but you can both live with that. I assume since he can't go to a hospital, he's going to your place?"
I know I blushed when he made the 'being with you' comment. I was glad Alex didn't hear that. Now would not be a good time to cause him needless worry about how James would know that. Having seen his eyes when he told me about the rape, I knew he would be waiting for me to reject him.
I was thankful that the bastards had used condoms. I would need to tell him that right away because I knew he would worry.
"Yeah. I'll arrange for time off to take care of him. When can we move him?"
"I want to wait a few hours to watch for concussion. Then I'll help you get him home and we'll talk once I can sedate him."
"I promised you the whole story and you'll get it."
"I know. Get in there with him and keep him awake. I had an early call this morning so I'm going to grab a nap on my couch. Wake me if there is any change."
"I will. James, thanks for accepting this, for taking care of him."
"Walter, you are my friend. I don't care who you sleep with as long as you are happy. Even with the injuries I can see why you would be attracted to him. Now go, get in there. Rape victims need a lot of reassurance."
I heard Walter's footsteps come back into the room. I figured he would see me back on my feet before he dumped me. Not that I could blame him for that, after all I was dirty again, used. Someone else had trespassed on his territory. I had promised him I would be faithful that last night we were together. God knows I was worried about what those guys might have given me.
I felt his hand on my cheek. His lips covered mine in a soft kiss.
"Sorry I can't give you a better kiss, my love, but I don't want to aggravate your split lip. I have strict instructions to keep you awake. Once James is sure you don't have a concussion we'll go home so you can sleep in our bed tonight. I also have some good news for you. At least we don't have to worry that they gave you any STD's. James says they wore condoms, no semen."
I tried to turn away from him but everything hurt so much. I moaned with a pain that was more mental than physical. The tears that I had held back since Russia combined with the ones I didn't shed in the last three days came pouring out.
"Walter, I'm sorry. They broke my arm before they raped me or I would have made them kill me before using me that way. Can you forgive me? If you can't stand to touch me any more, I'll understand. Please, Walter, just don't send me away."
My voice not much more than a whisper by the end. The sobs were coming up from so deep inside I was choking on them. I was sure I had lost the most precious thing in my life. Nothing else would matter if Walter didn't want me any more.
He lifted me up and moved to sit on the bed behind me. Wrapping his strong arms around me, he rocked me like a baby. He just held me and rocked until the tears stopped.
"Feel better now? Let's get a few things straight. First, you were *raped*. That is a far cry from fucking around on me. Second, I want to touch you. The only reason my cock isn't up your ass right this minute is you have been attacked and need time to heal. Third, and this is most important, there is nothing to forgive you for. And fourth, why on earth would you think I would want to send you away? You have no idea how I've missed you. If I had my way, we'd never be apart for more than the hours I have to go to work."
I turned so I could see him. Saw nothing but love and concern in his warm eyes.
"Kiss me, Walter. The way you know I like. I don't care if it makes my lip bleed." I wanted to pull him down to me but couldn't do that without giving him a concussion with my cast.
"My little Alex is so demanding. All right, but if it starts to bleed you'll have to explain it to James. He's probably already thinking I seduced you and led you astray. He thought I was straight until a little while ago."
He kissed me, entering my mouth cautiously when I opened as far as I could for him. It wasn't quite what I wanted but the pain of my mouth let me know that he was right to be so cautious. When it ended, I nuzzled my face into his throat. He talked to me of the plans his ever-organized brain had formulated while dealing with the crisis of his lover being dumped at his feet beaten, naked, and raped. He forced me to talk just enough so he could be sure I was still awake.
I'm not sure how long we sat there before his friend James came back. I do know that Walter's arms and voice were doing more for my pain level than any drug could. I felt Walter's smile before James spoke to him.
"Well, Walter, is this a new form of patient care?"
"It's the best form of patient care." I answered before Walter had the chance.
"You sound better than you did a few hours ago. Guess it must be the best care. Put him down, Walter, and let me check him. If everything looks good, you can take him home."
Walter eased me back down and James moved to check my eyes. He had done something to the swollen one earlier that had decreased the swelling so that now it would open part way. So he shined a light in both, took my blood pressure and pulse.
"How's the pain, Alex?"
"Not as bad as when they took my arm, but bad."
"Ok, I'm going to give you something for pain that will help you sleep. It'll be easier on you for us to move you while you are out."
He swabbed my arm, gave me an injection and that was the last thing I felt for awhile. I woke up in a strange room. Everything hurt and I felt dirty, I could smell myself. I tried to get up and almost fell in the process. I knocked a book off the bedside table. The door opened and a woman I had never seen before rushed into the room.
"Alex, what are you doing? Get back into bed." She was smiling but her voice had that no-don't-mess-with-me tone.
"Who are you? And where the hell am I? Where's Walter?" I heard the panic in my voice but she didn't seem to notice.
"I'm Carolyn, your nurse. You met my husband, James, last night. You're in our guest cottage. Walter went to his place for some clothes and to pick up some things for you. Said something about silk underwear."
I wanted to ask a lot of questions but my bladder was claiming my full attention. "I need to go to the bathroom."
"Here, use this bottle." She held a urinal out to me. I know my face showed my opinion of that.
"Look, just tell me where the bathroom is."
"Alex, the drugs that James gave you haven't worn off yet. I'm not going to let you wander around and maybe fall. I don't want Walter yelling at me. He trusted me to look out for you while he went to get clothes. Now, be a good patient, use the bottle. Then I'll get you some lunch."
"I want a shower. I can smell myself. I'd like to be clean when he gets back."
"As soon as Walter gets back, you can have a shower. You'll need help to wash and keep the cast dry."
I had nothing to say to that so I reached for the bottle and she turned her back while I used it. Without a word, she took it through the door on the far side of the bed. She came back and said she would make me something to eat. She came back with soup and chocolate pudding.
"Walter said that you are much thinner than when you guys were together last, so I thought I'd try to get you to eat more than soup."
"What else did Walter tell you about me?"
"Things that if anyone else had told us, we wouldn't believe. About you personally, he told us that he loves you. That he will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. That he isn't sure how you lost your arm but if he ever finds the butcher who did it, the man is dead."
"Sounds like he talked a lot about me. He said he loves me?"
"We've been friends for over twenty-five years, we've seen him go through a lot in that time. Yes, he told us he loves you. Why do you ask?"
"How can he still love me? He used to call me beautiful. I'm not beautiful any more. I won't be able to make love to him like I used to any more."
"Do you love him?" Her voice was soft.
"With all that I am. He is the only reason I survived the last year. My hope that he would still want me kept me alive."
I heard his deep voice from the doorway.
"You'll always be beautiful to me, Alex."
Carolyn stood up.
"That's my cue to leave. I'll bring you guys' some dinner later. There's ice cream and pudding in the fridge if he wants anything before then. He needs all the calories he can get. He wants a shower. I told him it would have to wait until you were here to help him." She kissed Walter on the cheek as she passed. He thanked her softly.
He sat down on the bed next to me. Pulling me against his chest, he kissed me. Then he held my face so I couldn't turn away.
"I love you, Alex. Thank you for staying alive for me. Now, as for making love, some things will have to change. But that doesn't mean that it won't be just as wonderful as it was. We'll work it out. I do love you for things besides your body you know. Let's go get you cleaned up. You'll feel better. I bought you some new silk underwear. Jade green like my lover's eyes."
He wore that teasing grin I loved so much. He helped me up and into the bathroom. Making a pad with a bathsheet, he sat me down.
He stripped and wrapped my cast in plastic sheeting, tucking the ends under the edge of the cast to keep it in place. Then he helped me into the shower.
He bathed me carefully but thoroughly. I guess my cock was especially in need of cleaning. It was soaped so completely that it was rock hard by the time he moved me under the water to rinse. He hurriedly dried himself as I rinsed, helping me out, dried me as carefully as he had washed me. I have to admit it felt wonderful to have him caring for me that way. He was on his knees drying me when he looked up at me with a wicked grin.
"Alex, I think we need to do something about this swelling. I'm sure James would say moist heat with just the right amount of pressure would take care of this. Come lie down on the bed and let's get this taken care of before he comes over to check on you. I wouldn't want him to think I wasn't taking proper care of you."
I wanted to fall on my knees and worship this man. His light teasing voice told me I was still his, still wanted. I followed him into the bedroom and let him arrange me on the bed. Then I grinned like an idiot as he crawled up the bed to me and settled between my legs.
His hand was possessive as it wrapped around my cock. He stroked me in the slow lazy rhythm he had taught me to enjoy. That was another reason I loved him so much. He never acted rushed with me, or that I was dirty and he needed to clean me off him afterward.
Oh yeah, we'd had a few hurried encounters. Mostly in his office bathroom where I had teased him till he lost it. Those were a *take the edge off until I can get you home* kind of thing.
"Alex, love I think this definitely needs heat and moisture. Let's see if this helps. Now let me know if this if uncomfortable. I don't want to make things worse."
I moaned and bucked up toward him as his mouth closed over me. He took his time playing with just the head until I was whimpering and begging. When he moved down to suck first one, then the other of my balls into his mouth I started to threaten him. His laughter spiraled up into the air as he moved up to take me deep in his throat. That was all it took. I cried his name as I shot. He swallowed every drop down then, resting his head on my thigh, kept me in his mouth until I softened. He moved up beside me, pulled me close and kissed me.
I could feel his erection against my hip as he held me. "What are we going to do about that, Walter?"
"You could talk me through it. I bet if you tried, you could tell me one hell of a dirty story. You talk, I'll handle the *manual labor*."
I laughed against his throat. His arms tightened on me. When I looked up at him his eyes were bright with suppressed tears.
"God, it's good to hear you laugh. I've missed that."
"I've missed your jokes. I've even missed those god awful puns."
"Hey! Now watch it. I'm a master of them."
I snuggled close, nuzzled his throat. "Once upon a time..." God the man has a great laugh.
Later, we were cuddled together on the sofa, Walter watching TV with me dozing against him when James and Carolyn showed up with dinner. I was dressed in the silk underwear he had bought me. I didn't even ask where he had found green silk for me. I just noticed that it did match my eyes.
"Walter, why don't you help Carolyn set up for dinner while I check my patient. I was going to do it earlier but you guys were busy. I didn't want to interrupt. By the way my memory is excellent."
Walter growled at James, "Now I'm going to have to explain that to him, you know. Couldn't you have kept your mouth shut?"
"Walter, I'm sure Alex will enjoy that story. I could tell him for you."
He was leading me toward the bedroom as he spoke. Looking over my shoulder I could see the scowl on Walter's face. James pushed me down on the edge of the bed and quickly took my temp, checked pulse and blood pressure.
"What was that about?"
"Oh. I told Walter after we cleaned you up last night, that being with him probably kept the rapes from causing you to be torn worse. Before you start worrying that Walter and I were involved, it wasn't anything like that. I was one of the doctors at the VA hospital he was sent to from Nam. I was walking outside his room one night and heard moaning sounds. I thought he was having another nightmare so I went in to wake him. He wasn't having a nightmare. I got a real good look."
I couldn't help it; I laughed at the idea of Walter being caught with his pants down, literally. James smiled at me until I tapered off into giggles.
"That's the night that I knew he was going to pull out of it, be ok. I can tell you if I were inclined that way, seeing Walter come toward me with that thing would make me run for cover. Now I hate to get serious again but I should check your anus."
He was quick and gentle. "I think you will heal quickly. I'll make sure that Walter knows to go slowly when you resume relations. You need another suppository now and another one before you go to sleep."
"I can do it."
"Alex, I don't think you can manage with the cast. Would you rather I send Walter in to do it for you?"
I buried my head in the pillow and groaned. I heard a soft chuckle from James.
"I imagine he's played with your ass a time or two. He won't see it as anything other than caring for his lover. I'll send him in."
I heard James leave and Walter's steps as he came in the room. He sat next to me and ran his hands over my bare ass in a soft caress.
"Alex, you don't need to be embarrassed. I am, after all looking out for my best interests here you know. The sooner you get better, the sooner I can make love to you properly."
I heard the snap of the glove as he pulled it on, then the packet being torn open. He was so gentle I barely felt it. I had to admit it was easier having him do it than James. He helped me get my shorts back on. He kissed me and, taking my hand led me toward the bedroom door.
"Come on, Alex. Carolyn made us dinner. I'm starved aren't you?"
James and Carolyn didn't even seem to notice that we were holding hands. James was pouring wine as Carolyn was slicing the bread.
I noticed that the table was set for four. I was a little apprehensive about trying to make conversation with these people who already knew so much about me. Walter got me settled and moved to sit next to me. I really didn't need to worry about talking. The three of them had plenty to talk about and managed to include me. By the time we had finished I felt accepted. It was clear that, since I was Walter's choice, they felt there must be something worthwhile about me.
James and Carolyn left right after dinner, taking all the dirty dishes with them. James told Walter to see that I got to bed soon and not to forget the medication.
Over the next few days, I learned what it was like to be truly cared for. Walter barely left my side. The few times he went out, Carolyn was there with me. He helped me bathe, made me eat, held me through the night, and kissed my nightmares away.
He told me he loved me.
One night after the worse nightmare yet, I gave him the rest of my soul.
I hadn't told him all I knew. The time between the balcony night and now had given me knowledge that would change the face of the world. I wanted nothing more than to hide here and never leave his arms.
I knew I couldn't do that. I wanted to grow old beside him and knew that the only way that would happen was if I tried to stop them. I also knew that he wouldn't let me leave unless I told him the truth.
Even after all this time with the X-Files, he still had trouble believing me.
I watched as he paced across the living room, his back stiff with frustration.
"I'll quit! We'll go away somewhere. Make a life together. I don't want you risking yourself anymore."
"Walter, you can't quit. They'll shut Mulder down if you aren't there. He's important to the alien rebels. We both have a part to play in this. As much as I would like to run away, we both know we can't."
"Alex, you're all that matters to me. I can't lose you now that I've found you."
"Walter, you could never lose me. Haven't you figured that out yet? The only way you will lose me is in death. As long as I live, I'll belong to you. Even if you decide you don't want me any more."
The last was just above a whisper. Damn, I wondered, when did I get so out of control? Walter came to my side, pulling me up from where I had been sitting on the sofa.
"I'm going to want you for the rest of my life. Don't you understand I'm afraid that you will get killed? They could have succeeded this time. When I saw you in the door of that van, I thought you were dead. That they had found out about us, killed you and brought your body to me."
"I know. I thought they were going to kill me. Then when they raped me, I wished they had. I was afraid you would turn away from me when you saw my arm gone and knew what they had done to me. The last few days have shown me how wrong I was. I've never felt so loved. But don't you see, that's why I have to go back out there when I'm well. We have to stop them. If we don't, we won't have any future. Mulder and the rebels can stop them if they have the right information. I don't know anyone else who can get that."
He pulled me into a tight hug and I knew he would let me leave when the time came. He wouldn't like it but he would do it. I made a vow to myself to stay alive for him. For us.
He was going to be leaving the next day. We'd set new code words. New locations where he would stay when he was in town. James and Carolyn had given us permission to use the cottage anytime we wished. It was almost dawn and we hadn't slept. The night before he had finally convinced me that he was ready for penetration again. We'd been fucking like bunnies all night.
I was lying between his legs still buried inside him. Kissing him, trying to absorbe all his flavor. His hand wrapped around my neck holding me tight to him.
"I love you, Walter. Never forget that."
"I know. I love you. Remember what I told you about following you to hell. I meant every word of that. Come home to me as soon as you can. I hate sleeping alone."
I rolled over to spoon around him and fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone.
It took luck, time, but eventually the tide had turned. We'd won. My Alex could come home to me now.
The phone was ringing as I came in from work. I threw my things on the table as the machine picked up. By the time I got to, it I heard his voice. I could hear the fatigue and fear.
"Walter, are you there?"
I grabbed the phone, "Alex, where are you?"
I could hear his smile when he answered.
"I'm down under. Thought I call to see if you'd like me to come home. You've had plenty of time to come to your senses. So if you've changed your mind......"
"Alex, don't make me come looking for you. If I have to do that, I'll kick your butt all the way back here."
I heard a shaky laugh. In the background, I could hear the announcement that the plane for San Francisco was boarding.
"Guess I'd better go so I don't miss my plane. I love you, Walter."
"I love you, my little Alex. What time do you get into San Francisco?"
"Early in the morning. With a little luck I should be at your place by the time you get home tomorrow."
"I'll see you in San Francisco."
"What? But Walter, I can just get a flight into D.C. You don't need to come out there."
"I don't want to wait that long. I want my lover back in my bed. I've got plenty of vacation time. San Francisco is a beautiful city to vacation in. I'll get us a room at the Hyatt near the wharf. We'll have a honeymoon. I'll buy you one of those tee shirts that says *I got crabs* in big letters with the *at Fisherman's Wharf* in tiny letters." I was trying to sound light and teasing but the truth was I needed to hold him and see him safe.
"Walter, you're crazy. It's a deal if we can spend the first twenty-four hours in bed with only room service to interrupt us. I just want you to make me yours again." His voice was soft and I knew he was fighting back tears.
"I think I can handle that. Go before you miss your flight. I'll see you soon."
I hung up only long enough to change into more comfortable clothes then picked up the phone to make reservations. By midnight, I was on my way to the airport.
I was waiting when Alex came off the ramp. I saw him scanning the area for me, watched his face light up when he spotted me, watched his mouth drop open when I lifted him off his feet into my arms. Then he was kissing me.
For a minute I forgot everything else and just enjoyed having him back where he belongs. When we came up for air, he smiled shakily at me.
"Guess we're out of the closet?"
"No more hiding. Either they accept that we're together or they can go to hell. I'm not wasting another precious minute."
"How 'bout you put me down and take this somewhere we can do more than kiss." His eyes were bright. I could feel his hard cock pressing against me.
We got him through customs in record time. I flashed my badge at them. Then out to the taxi stand.
"You didn't rent a car?"
"I did, but I couldn't drive us back and hold you at the same time."
"Walter, I know this is San Francisco but I don't want to appear on Taxicab Confessions."
"I'm not going to do anything but hold you and maybe kiss you in the cab. I think you need breakfast and a long soak in the jacuzzi first. Though after that, don't expect to see anything but my face and the ceiling for at least a couple of hours."
I laughed when he made a moaning, put-upon sound, "You brought the rings, didn't you?"
"Without them I doubt that either of us can last long enough to get it in all the way."
He grinned wickedly at me, "What's the matter, old man? Can't get it up as often as you used to?"
I growled as I pushed him into the cab.
"You'll find out just how often I can get it up. I promise your little ass will be sore this time tomorrow."
He settled into the seat, laughing.
"God, it's good to be home."
In the cab I held him. For the moment, content just to have him in my arms. At the hotel, I led him quickly to our room. Pushed him onto the bed and called room service to order a huge breakfast. He watched me move around the room, getting out clean silk underwear and a silk robe, both in jade. He grinned when I pulled the rings out of my smaller bag.
"First breakfast, you're gonna need the calories. Then I'll fill the jacuzzi and we'll have a nice long soak. I'm sure your body could use it after the long flight. Then I'm putting the rings on us and I'm gonna fuck you until you beg me to let you come."
I heard a snort and looked at him, "Yeah, that'll take all of thirty seconds."
He was smiling tiredly at me while shrugging off his jacket. I saw a wince as it slid down his left side.
He nodded. I quickly moved over to help him get his shirt off and helped remove the prosthetic. I began rubbing his shoulder, working out the knots from the long flight. By the time room service brought breakfast, he was leaning back into my hands almost purring.
The waiter didn't seem to find it the least bit odd for two half dressed men with hard-ons to be having breakfast at that time of day. He set up, wished us a good day and quickly left.
"Come on, Alex. You need to eat. You're much too thin. I don't want to be punctured by one of those bones sticking out."
"Oh god. You're gonna make me fat so no one else will look at me, right?"
"Damn, you're on to me. Actually, they can look. They just can't touch." I smiled, pulling him close for a kiss.*
As we ate, I told him about the house. He knew I had bought us a house and the address but we hadn't had time to discuss the particulars. He had been surprised that I bought a house until I explained that I wanted a symbol of us, a new beginning. It was my way of saying forever to him.
When he quit shoveling food into his mouth, I went to fill the tub. By the time it was full, he had followed me into the bathroom completely undressed. I quickly finished stripping, getting into the tub, pulled him down to rest between my legs.
As soon as I stepped into the water, I knew this was going to be the best week of my life. His hands reached up to steady me as I lowered myself to sit between his legs. The water was almost scalding, just the way I love it. Walter doesn't like his water this hot. I leaned back against his chest, my head on his shoulder and his arms wrapped securely around me.
"You didn't have to make it this hot, Walter. Or you could have just let me soak for awhile then got in with me when it started cooling."
"Just my way of saying I'd go through anything to have you with me. I've missed you so much. Did I tell you one of the reasons I bought the house is that it has a double hot tub? Seems the former owners had different opinions about water temperature, too. So the two are side by side, almost like an old fashioned love seat and have separate temperature controls."
I turned to pull him into a kiss. He wanted me, he loved me and he didn't care what the world thought. When the kiss ended, I shifted up using his chest for support, reaching between us to grab his cock and position it against my hole. I pushed down ignoring the burn and slight pain from not being penetrated in months. Wiggled to make sure every inch was inside me. Smiled when I heard his groan.
"Christ, Alex. When did you lube yourself?"
"While you were arranging to turn yourself into a lobster for my pleasure. You didn't really think I could wait much longer, did you? I need you in me. Need to be reminded who I belong to."
"Don't worry. I plan to remind you, over and over and over. You'll probably get sick of being reminded."
His hands moved to caress me. Fingers of one hand rubbing at a nipple as the other hand wrapped possessively around my cock, stroking from base to head slowly. I sighed my pleasure at his ministrations.
"Feels so good. I've missed this. But I have to warn you, if you rub your thumb over my slit one more ti.......GOD!"
I came so hard my come stream shot up out of the water we were sitting in. I heard his soft chuckle as he nuzzled the back of my neck.
"Now I know you're happy to see me."
I pulled up and turned to straddle him, smiling as he held his cock for me to impale myself again. He gripped my hips to steady me as I began to work myself up and down on him. His cock felt so wonderful moving in and out of my body. He was as on edge as I had been. It only took a few strokes. His hands tightened on me. His mouth fastened on my throat as I felt his come shooting high inside me.
We sat in the water with him still inside me just holding each other until the water began to cool.
He kept his promise to make me sore, insisted that I return the favor. He bought me those crabs at Fisherman's Wharf and the tee shirt. Drove me down Lombard Street. We rode a cable car. Walked on the beach. Ate in Chinatown.
Everywhere we went, he held my hand. I teased him about making sure his *prisoner* didn't get away. He growled that he thought I was his love slave not his prisoner.
Packing to go home was bittersweet. I was looking forward to seeing *our* new home but hated to go back to a world that would not be accepting of *us*. Walter had said no more hiding. I knew he meant that. I was afraid he would decide that I cost too much.
We had been back in D.C. almost a week. Saturday afternoon, I was in the kitchen, deciding what to make for dinner when the doorbell rang. Walter was in his study with reports he had brought home.
He'd gone to the Director on Monday and announced that he was "gay living with a man he loved. And *if* that was a problem then he would take his retirement now". The Director asked if it was one of his subordinates. When Walter told him no, he just said good 'we don't have to transfer Mulder'. Walter couldn't believe that the Director thought he might be with Mulder. I kept quiet. I knew why the Director thought that.
I called out to Walter that I would get the door. Opening it I found Mulder standing on the doorstep. The look on his face was priceless.
"You! He's fucking you? Ok, Krycek, what are you holding over him now? Where is he? I have to talk to him."
He pushed past me into the room. So I closed the door and turned to him.
"I'm not *holding* anything over him. I happen to be in love with him."
"Yeah, pull the other one. I don't believe you. You're using him. You've forced this on him somehow. I intend to find out how and help him get rid of you."
Mulder's fist was balled up in the front of my Fisherman's Wharf tee shirt and he pushed me into the wall. Walter's voice was the coldest I had ever heard.
"Agent Mulder, take your hands off my lover. NOW!"
Mulder's head swung around to look at the man bearing down on us. I knew that if he hadn't let go and stepped back, Walter would have hurt him. Walter reached out and pulled me to stand next to him, wrapped his arm around me, then raised an eyebrow at Mulder.
"Why are you here, Mulder?"
"Sir, I heard a rumor that you were living with a man. I had to come see for myself. I didn't know you were gay."
"Well, Mulder, that's just another thing you never bothered to find out. I never thought you were interested in my private life except when it interfered with me helping you."
"Sir, that's not true. I'm your friend. I want to help you. What's he using to make you do this? I'll help you get rid of him."
"I don't want to *get rid* of him. He's the man I love, Mulder. Get that. I love him. I intend spending the rest of my life with him. This isn't some new thing. If you are my friend then you will accept this and be happy for me."
Walter's voice had softened as he spoke to Mulder. I watched his face, reading all the little signs that I knew Mulder wouldn't. I think that was when Walter finally understood why the Director had thought it was Mulder that he was with.
I slid my arm around his waist and held on tight. I saw Mulder's eyes track to my action. Watched as his eyes moved back to Walter's face.
"So how long have you been fucking him?"
"That's really none of your business, but I'll tell you because it may help you understand. The first time was about three weeks after he came to work at the JEH. We've been seeing each other whenever we could since then. The longest time apart was between the time he left and the night you brought him to my place."
Mulder looked at me with a sneer on his face, "That why you had trouble sitting the next day? That why you came in on Mondays walking like an old man?"
I think I actually blushed. Walter's arm tightened around me. He gave Mulder a wicked grin.
"Yeah. I tend to get a little rough with him. He doesn't seem to mind."
The heat in my face kicked up a notch. Yeah, I was definitely blushing. I noticed Mulder was looking a little pink, too.
"Is there anything else you want to know, Mulder? If not, I have a ton of reports to finish and Alex was getting ready to start dinner. He's a very good cook, among other things."
I couldn't believe Mulder actually had the nerve to continue questioning Walter.
"So are you the *top* then, Sir?"
This time I answered. Snorting, "A big *hung* macho bull like him? Why would you even ask? I'm the one who had problems sitting down on Mondays. Never noticed him having that problem."
Mulder's mouth dropped open, Walter threw back his head and laughed. When the laughter stopped, Mulder was glaring at him.
"Sorry, Mulder, I just never expected a man who chases serial killers to look so shocked. Didn't think anything would shock you any more."
"Yeah, well, you were married. I thought you were straight."
"So did I. I hope you can accept this, Mulder. I have thought of you as my friend. I would hate to loose that. But if it's a choice between Alex and your friendship, then Alex will win. He is the love of my life and I won't give him up. So think it over. If you decide you still want to be my friend, then we'll have you and Scully over for dinner a couple of times a month. His cooking really is excellent."
Mulder stared at him for a long minute then nodded, "I'll see you at work on Monday, Sir." Then he turned, opened the door and closed it quietly behind him.
Walter turned to look at me his eyebrow raised, "Hung macho bull? Alex, you had to stick in the hung part? You knew, didn't you?"
"That he wanted you? Yes, I knew. It scared me. Every time I came back, I expected to find that he had told you. That you would be with him and not want me any more."
He pulled me close, "Alex, I've belonged to you since the first time you took me inside you. I know I had sex with other people but that was only during the time I thought I would never see you again. There's been no one else in my bed since the night Mulder brought you to my condo. There'll be no one else in my bed for the rest of my life. Hell, I'm the one that should worry. I'm older than you are. Don't know how long I can make you happy."
"Walter, you told me once you loved me for more than my body. That works both ways. I love you because you know all the dirty parts of my past and still love me. I love you for the way you close your eyes with pleasure and moan over my cooking. I love you for holding me close when the terrors come in the night."
I pulled him close to kiss me. When I let go, he leered at me, "Wanna take advantage of the old man while he can still get it up?" He turned and ran to the stairs with me hot on his heels.
When he said forever, he meant it. For the first time since I was eight, I was *home*.
Josan has seduced me to the dark side and now Alex seems to want to invade everything I write. Since he's so beautiful I don't mind. I wanted to thank everyone that answered my questions about time frames. This is your reward (or punishment). Thank you again Jose for all the encouragement.
Notes and Disclaimers
Title: The Rat's Desire